the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
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Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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