I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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