the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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