No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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