im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
