my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
