I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
