he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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