Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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