Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
