And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
