maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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