So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
