Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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