I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.