Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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