I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My breasts were aching with rage.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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