I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
