i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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