Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
