I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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