dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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