So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
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My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.