I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????