Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
