I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's always time for handjobs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot