Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
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It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
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Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.