apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
jump out the window naked night went bad
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
