I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
