I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
