my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
