So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I need a burrito and a hug.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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