She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
