im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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