The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
