mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
