Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
