I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
