I want to make a zoo with you.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
