I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
