He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
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You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
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If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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