I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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