The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
