i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
