Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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