Are we in a gay sports bar?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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