hell yes lets make some ravioli
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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