Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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