dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
