i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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