listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
