Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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