they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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