i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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