Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Also, beer. Big fan.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
