He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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