Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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