Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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