My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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