I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
