I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
