no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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