when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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