Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
