heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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