I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
